[Upon being told that Satoru Iwata, president of Nintendo, had died]
"Did his body flicker and disappear in a shower of coins?"

[Playing with kinetic sand and moulding it into poo shapes]
"I don't know what creature this is but it won't stop pooing."

"I bet [starlings] sometimes fly in the shape of a bum or a willy. Look, it's a dolphin! Look, it's a swan! Look, it's a dick!"

[Opening the window]
"I need to do a guff evacuation."

"Don't read Catcher in the the Rye if you don't have to. Spend your time on something more useful, like farting."

[making a 5-egg omelette]
"I'm going to be Guffy the Vampire Slayer."

"When you've got the eyebrow pencil out, there's always a hideous temptation to draw a Hitler moustache on your face."

"Leeds isn't that bad. Well, some of it is. Most of it's horrible."

[Pointing at a pond]
"That would be a good place to dispose of a body."

"I went to the toilet forgetting I was wearing my jumper and wee'd on it."

[Re. Sweden]
"It's that country that looks like a droopy willy."

"Sometimes, one does a poo like a shoal of minnows."

"Elasticated anus, elasticated anus, stretchy wee bum."

[Showing me a bowl of slugs]
"Don't you wish you were a thrush?"

"Virgin can stick their contract where the sun don't shine... Scotland."

[At a Vagisil advert]
"Wash your flaps, you skank!"

"We will make very good skeletons, you and I."

"I am dignified and mature. BUM. WEE." [farts] "POOOO."

"One side-effect of yoga is that it makes you fart like an angry camel."