When I was breaking apart my old website deciding what to keep, I initially wasn't going to include this page, because the website it's making fun of no longer exists. But I'm keeping it because Alexis Kennedy (founder of Failbetter Games) said it made him snort tea onto his keyboard.
I've discovered an amazing blog called Lifehackable. [Now gone; domain redirects to someone's YouTube channel.]
It's amazing because the few somewhat useful tips are adrift in a sea of dross, which gives a fascinating insight into a world I find unrelatable: over-engineered solutions to things nobody thought was a problem, inconsiderate bastard advice from people who think that scoring a petty victory over the letter of the law is better than following the spirit, and other things of no use to man nor beast. Fuck it.
[Image: some hot dogs cooking in the pot of a coffee maker. Text: World's simplest hot dog cooker.]
How is this better than cooking hot dogs in a pan of water? Your coffee maker is going to smell of sausages now. Is this in an office kitchen, where there's no hob? Then use the microwave instead of skanking up your colleagues' coffee with pig brine.
[Image: The backs of two Stop signs. One has a sticker on the back, the other does not. Image text: Check local stop signs for this. You are not legally obliged to stop at this sign (without sticker). You are legally obligated to stop at this sign (with sticker).]
What the arse? Who thinks like this? Fuck it, just run through stop signs and cause an accident and claim it's fine because some underpaid road worker didn't have time to affix a poxy sticker to the sign.
[Image: a montage of drink vending machines. Image text: Squirting salt water in the coin slot of a soda machine is said to create an electrical current that will result in free soda dispensing.]
Fuck it, just squirt salt water into a big electric machine. There's no way this can possibly go wrong. Petty theft and ruining things for others is great.
[Image: Sliced bread with peanut butter and maple syrup on it. Image text: If no jelly is available for a PB&J, use maple syrup instead. Just as delicious.]
Is this a frequent occurrence? Having maple syrup but no jam? Also, note how weak this advice is. If you're out of a sweet sandwich spread, use a different sweet sandwich spread.
Also, that's some minging-looking peanut butter. That is a cunt's sandwich if ever I saw one.
[Image: Someone rubbing a cut banana onto the silver side of a DVD. Image text: Use a banana to fix a DVD.]
This is deliciously vague. It doesn't tell you anything about rubbing direction (an important consideration when cleaning optical discs) or what to clean it off with afterwards. Note the 'fix'. Not 'clean a dirty DVD', 'fix a DVD'. DVD broken in half? Fuck it. Banana.
[Image: A mobile phone propped up by the posterior half of a bisected toy Stegosaurus. Image text: Dino butts can help your phone stand up.]
Who has just one half of a broken toy and doesn't throw it away? Note the implication that it has to be a 'dino butt'. No other toy animal half will do. When do you use this? If you're at home, you can find a dozen other things that will work just as well. If you're out and about, are you really going to carry a plastic stegosaurus bum in your handbag?
A lot of good lifehacks come from the realisation that tools are aggregates of properties rather than being locked in to only one task. This 'hack' technically follows this pattern but in a way that spectacularly misses the point of everything.
[Image: A 'return to sender' postmark. Image text: You can send letters for free by putting the recipient's address in the return address.]
Fuck it, nick a public service and drive prices up for everybody else. Or not, as the lack of existing postmark means this won't even work, you fool.
[Image: a women's loo sign. Image text: When your GF tells you she needs to use the restroom, it means she has been waiting to an hour to tell you. Find one immediately.]
…What? Is this an American thing?
[Image: Deck of a yacht with a home cinema system. Image text: Movie theatre yacht.]
Life hack: Be an obscenely rich bastard.
[Image: a length of tree trunk with holes bored in it for tea lights.]
Fuck it. Drill holes in an old tree and put candles in it.
[Image: Someone's hand on fire. Image text: You can spray bug spray on your hand and light it on fire without actually burning your hand.]
Fuck it. Set your fucking hand on fire.
[Image: a burning dandelion clock. Image text: If you light a dead dandelion on fire, it turns into a colourful fireball.]
Fuck it. Set everything on fire.
[Image: a cardboard ice cream pot that has been sawn in half vertically. Image text: Personal ice cream bowl.]
Or you could just take the fucking lid off, you imbecile.
[Image: An open phonebook. Image text: Making a sandwich and don't feel like using a plate? Use a phonebook. Spill mayo on it? Tear the page off. Hundreds of paper plates for free.]
Fuck it. Just eat off a fucking phonebook, you greb. A wad of non-absorbent paper with lead-based ink and crumb-catching binding is so much better than a paper towel. Stop it. The Young Ones weren't supposed to be role models.
[Image: Someone pouring milk into cereal by pouring it onto the back of an upturned spoon. Image text: How to make sure milk doesn't everywhere [sic].]
I hate it when milk everywheres.
[Image: A brown bear. Image text: If a brown bear attacks you, play dead. If a black bear attacks, punching it in the nose will make it flee. Noise also scares bears away.]
Fuck it. Just punch a fucking bear.
[Image: Close crop of two people conversing. Image text: You're friendzoned because women construe your excessive emotionality as feminine and needy. Women want you to feel secure in your masculinity.]
This is an impenetrable sphere of wrong.
The friendzone doesn't even exist, bellwhiffer. It's what used to be called 'unrequited love'. It's a dicksprout term that shifts responsibility to the person being desired, rather than the one desiring. The rest of the 'hack' is just ghastly pop psychology. 'Excessive emotionality'? What a horrible way to regard being human.
[Image: A bottle of Coke erupting mightily. Image text: Prank your friends by freezing Mentos in ice cubes and making time bomb soda.]
Fuck it. Be a guffbeak to your friends.
How is this supposed to work? Won't your friends notice that their ice cubes have got foreign objects in them? Also, is the picture meant to demonstrate this process (if so, who puts ice cubes in a bottle?) or is it just a stock 'this is what Coke and Mentos looks like'?
[Image: A disabled car parking space. Image text: A handicapped parking spot needs a sign to be valid. If it just has a wheelchair painted on the ground, you can legally park there.]
Oh, get fucked sideways. Fuck it. Steal a fucking car parking space from someone who actually fucking needs it, you massive helmet.
If you steal a disabled space and you haven't literally got someone in your car with a severed artery or an emerging baby, you are a twathammer supreme. But, y'know, fuck it. Make someone with pins in their spine walk a few hundred metres because you can't be arsed. You may be technically above the law but you won't be technically above people keying your car and smearing dogshit under the door handles. Fall face-first into a water buffalo's fanny, you shit-eared fuckbox. I hate you.
[Image: A greeting card with a red rose. Image text: When buying a romantic card, select two. Then write the inscription from Card A into Card B and pretend you can write sweet things.]
Fuck it. Build a relationship based on petty lies.
This is why you got friendzoned, you useless buttery fart.
[Image: Someone using a fork to dip an Oreo biscuit in a glass of milk. Image text: Dunk Oreos with a fork so your hands don't get messy.]
Why would your fingers get messy? Are you some sort of biscuit idiot?
[Image: Some people eating pizza out of boxes, with the boxes arranged with the lid acting as a bib. Image text: The pizza bib.]
Or you could just not eat like a fucking greb.
[Image: Someone wearing a hoody backwards, with the pulled-down hood full of popcorn. Image text: Easiest snack pouch ever.]
You've run out of clean plates and have resorted to eating off the phone book. Now you're out of bowls too. Better stop putting off the washing up. Nah, fuck it. Just do something only slightly more dignified than wearing a nosebag.
I hate you all.